Holding Space for Someone When You Don’t Know What to Say

Kia ora e hoa,

When someone we care about is grieving, we often worry about getting it wrong. We fear saying the wrong thing. We fear saying nothing. We fear making it worse. And sometimes, because of that fear, we pull back, not because we don’t care, but because we don’t know where to begin.

You don't have to fix anything.

But here’s the quiet truth many grieving people will tell you later: They remember who showed up, not who said the perfect words.

You Don’t Have to Fix Anything

Grief isn’t a problem to be solved. It isn’t a wound you can stitch closed with the right sentence. Most people don’t expect you to make their pain disappear, they just need to know they’re not facing it alone. Sometimes the kindest thing you can offer is simply to be there. A warm presence. A steady breath beside theirs. A soft place to land when the day feels too big.

What Holding Space Really Looks Like

It’s not grand gestures or beautifully phrased advice. It’s the small, human things:

Sitting with them in silence

Silence isn’t failure, it’s safety. If they want to talk, they will. If they don’t, they’ll still feel your care.

Saying simple, honest words

You don’t need poetry. Just: “I’m here.” “I’m thinking of you.” “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Offering specific help

Grief makes decisions heavy. Try: “I’m dropping dinner off tonight, no need to answer the door.” “I can take the kids for an hour if that would help.” Clear, gentle support lifts a real weight.

Checking in without expectation

A short message: “No pressure to reply, just sending you love today.” This gives them space to feel held without having to perform being “okay.”

If You’re Afraid of Getting It Wrong

Please hear this: Your presence is more important than your perfection. People don’t need flawless. They need real. They need someone who will sit beside them while the world feels unsteady. Someone who doesn’t rush their emotions or tidy up their sadness. Someone who is simply there, in whatever way they can be.

A Final Thought

Holding space is an act of quiet love. It says, “I won’t look away from your pain.” It says, “You matter enough for me to stay.” It says, “You don’t have to carry this on your own.” And for someone grieving, that can be the gentlest form of healing.

Aroha nui,

Claire

Whakaaio - bringing calm to the hardest moments.