Helping Teenagers Through Loss

Kia ora e hoa,

Teenagers grieve differently, not because they care less, but because they feel everything more intensely than we often realise. They’re caught between childhood and adulthood, expected to be resilient but still learning how to understand their own emotions.

When someone important dies, that push-pull becomes even harder. They might seem fine one day and shut down the next. They might make jokes, go silent, get angry, or dive into schoolwork, gaming, or friendships. All of these can be normal.

From working with teens every day, here’s what I know helps:

Give them space without disappearing. Teenagers often won’t talk when asked directly, but they open up later, in the car, while making dinner, or just before bed. They talk in moments, not in meetings.

Acknowledge the loss without forcing conversation. A simple, “I’m here if you ever want to talk,” goes further than a long discussion they’re not ready for.

Keep routines steady. School, sport, part-time work, these familiar structures help them feel anchored when everything else feels unpredictable.

Expect grief to come in waves. They might laugh with friends at 10am and cry at midnight. Grief isn’t linear at any age, and for teenagers it can feel particularly confusing.

Don’t underestimate small comforts. Food they like, quiet company, a lift to a friend’s house, or just sitting beside them while they scroll. These things matter more than people think.

Let them choose how they want to remember. Some want to attend the funeral. Some don’t. Some want to write a note, choose a photo, or sit quietly at the back. There is no “right way.”

Above all, teenagers need adults who stay steady, who don’t judge their reactions, who don’t panic when they swing from one feeling to another, and who gently remind them that grief doesn’t have to be carried alone.

If you know a young person finding their way through loss, go softly with them. Their grief may not look like yours, but it is real, and it deserves patience.

If this resonated with you, you’re welcome to pass it on. Gentle guidance can ripple further than we think.

Ngā manaakitanga,

Claire